New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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