did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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