Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
