Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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