For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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