ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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