i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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