And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
