My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
His nipple licking is glorious
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