I've blown a few things in my day
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
