who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
