My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
