Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
