Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
