so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
