Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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