Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
