My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
