I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He passed out mid-signature
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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