I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
