You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
