I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
