I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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