Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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