My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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