I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.