I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
