mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment