what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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