I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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