Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
