dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
