As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
