You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
