I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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