i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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