im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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