The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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