there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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