She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
