A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
