if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
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Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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