I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
