The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
