I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i now understand why vodka
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
