The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
