So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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