I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
