apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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