Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
