i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
