BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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