Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
