Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
