How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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