My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
