My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
